Death of a prom queen

Originally posted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008 on myspace.com

She went out of her way to say hi to me one day.
That means alot to me.
It probably means nothing to her, but it means everything to me.

I’ve paid attention to her forever.
Ever since that day she moved here from Cincinatti.
She was so alone, she had no friends.
I knew some people, but I was never too popular.
We talked alot when we first met, about everything.
I learned all I could know about anybody except myself.
Then she got popular.
Whatever.
We were still friends, right?
No.

She became to good for me.
We don’t talk anymore.
But one day, she went out of her way to say hi to me.
After three years she waved frantically from across the quad.

She has an addiction now.
A terrible one.
Cocaine is her drug of choice.
I knew what had happened.
All that pressure from being the most popular girl in school had driven her to a nasty drug habit.
She could never be too skinny.
Or too happy.
Cocaine provided both of those things.
Weight loss.
Temporary happiness.

I should have never said hi back.
But I did.
From that day on, she was back.
For a little bit.

She now called me every night.
I learned more secrets.
It felt closer than ever between us.
But there was something wrong.
She was destroying herself.
I had to convince her to quit.
But I couldn’t do it yet.
And you have to trust me.
I really planned on it.
Until one night.
She invited me to destroy myself, too.

I had never been invited to a party in my entire high school career.
I got drunk for the first time in my life.
I did cocaine for the first time in my life.
I had sex with a girl for the first time in my life.
I drove fucked up for the first time in my life.

I died for the first time in my life.

She went out of her way to say hi to me one day.
That meant alot to me.
She said goodbye too.

A boy and his turtle

Originally posted on Saturday, October 04, 2008 on myspace.com

Together, we are a family.
Separate, we are nothing.
That’s what ran through my head as you left.
I stared as you walked away, slowly.
I felt the emptiness grow as you moved further and further away.
Once you were out of my sight, I knew you weren’t coming back.
Ever since that day I brought you home, I had been attached to you.
You were my other half, you completed my thoughts.
I took you for granted.
I didn’t realize what I had.
You sweet, lovable turtle.
I wish my parents would have let me keep you.
You were my only friend.
My everything.

I should have made friends, but in school, everyone just felt so boring to me.
I’m that awkward kid who sits in the corner, reading by himself.
When I wasn’t reading, I would just listen and stare.
I bet you find that creepy.
I’ve studied what you people do.
I know how to be socially acceptable.
I know how to dress to the latest fashions.
I know how to get a girl.
I just don’t want to.
Is that so hard to comprehend?
I guess it may be.
I like deviating from the norm.
I like being different, although I have nobody who notices how different I am.
Not even a turtle anymore.

I suppose it’s stupid.
Loving a creature that is so much lower on the food chain than I am.
There’s just something about turtles.
Something that hits so close to home.
You know what I mean?
Turtles are silent creatures.
They are observers, just like myself.
When I found her in that mud puddle, so helpless.
It was love at first sight.

My mom doesn’t approve of pets, though.
I guarantee you if my mom had seen her, she would have started sneezing, or something.
She would have lied through her teeth about being allergic to her.
No, it was my dad who found her, my dad’s always been the softy.
When he saw her, he gave me the speech that any good dad should.
He looked at me and said,”I wish you could keep her, I really do; but you need to get rid of her, or your Mom will.”

I never gave her a name.
I’m not sure why.
It’s probably because I’ve always felt nameless myself.
I mean, seriously, I’ve been called “darling” or “sweetie” my entire life.
I’ve never had any friends to tell my name to either.
My teachers call me by name.
I’m so quiet they only ever have to use it on the first day, though.

A tear rolled down my face as I watched that turtle disappear.
It was the only thing I was truly affectionate about.
My parents are barely ever home for me to be affectionate toward them, and my friends…
I don’t have any.

I left the field I brought her to, and walked home in the twilight.
I looked at everything, like always.
It was all so vivid, a moment I will always remember.
Me, shuffling my feet down a residential street.
Tears streaming down my face.
The streetlights seemed to be clicking on as I passed them.
There wasn’t a car on the street.
The air was so still I could have sworn I was in purgatory.
Then a girl walked by, one that I could have known.
She looked at me and said,”Oh, Hi Brian. What’s wrong.”
In the most genuinely caring voice I had ever heard, and I looked at her.
But I started to cry more.
She knew my name.
I didn’t know hers.
But I wanted to know it at that moment more than I had ever wanted to know anything in my entire life.
My entire life.

“I’ve lost the thing I hold most dear to me.”
And she looked at me, confused.
And me, embarrassed.
“What is that?”
I couldn’t say anything more.
This was already too strange to comprehend.
People aren’t supposed to notice me.
And now I’m here.
And the same phrase continues to run through my head.

Together, we are a family.
Separate, we are nothing.